Life With a Broken Heart is Not Much of a Life...

 I am sitting here trying to write my blog and nothing is happening.  Now that Pam is gone, I find myself sitting around with little motivation.  When I do get focused on something, my attention span is very short.  At times, I feel like a nut rattling around in an empty box.  I miss talking to her.  I miss hugging her.  I spent the last three years taking care of her because that was what I was supposed to do.  That is what I promised to do.  I should feel good about doing that.  But I don't.  I could not save her from this horrendous disease.  In all of our talking and planning, I never once even thought about her going first.  What am I going to do now?  We were together over 50 years.  Through good times and bad.  We stayed together and worked our way through it.  Now I need to work my way through it without her.

I continue to attend the caregiver group that I joined a couple of years ago.  But I am no longer a caregiver.   Well, maybe I'm the caregiver of me.  Lord knows I probably need one.  Since Pam's departure I have joined a bereavement group.   I don't really know what to expect.  But it is better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.   My primary care doc made a referral to the mental heath department.  After an assessment, they recommended that I visit a councilor.    So I have made an appointment with one for this week.  The way I look at it, I have never experienced this kind of grief before so I plan to try to get some value out of whatever things are offered to me. 

In last weeks bereavement group, some talked about the anger they have over the loss of their spouse.  I feel no anger.  Getting a Lewy Body diagnosis is a death sentence, clear and simple.  Maybe I have had a couple of years to get over the anger.  But I just don't feel any.  Besides, who am I supposed to be angry with? 

And I don't feel lonely per se.  I definitely miss Pam.  But I am not hiding out in the condo.  Our oldest daughter is over pretty much every weekend.  I spent 90 minutes on the phone with daughter #2  the other night.  I have had lunch  with friends twice this past week.  I even orchestrated a surprise 50th birthday party for our oldest daughter.  So while there are days where I jut sit around the condo with little motivation, I have others where I am out and about.  Hobbies, yea I don't really have any.  That went away with my Challenger Hemi.  I would do a little woodworking if I can ever get the garage cleaned out. 

Pam and I had planned to tour the country in our RV for two years.  With her gone, I have little interest in doing that.  For a while I was looking at light weight trailers with the thought of traveling with a grandson.  That should be a fantastic opportunity all the way around.  But without Pam, I just don't have the interest any more.   If I manage to sell the RV maybe I will buy another Challenger and go back to doing car shows all summer.  I am not sure that my kids think that is a wise idea, but oh well.

Right now the entire condo is in chaos.  We have managed to get most of Pam's clothing and shoes out of the walk-in closet.  But that just means that they are piled four feet deep on the bed.  That is the bed that I just can't get myself to sleep in any more.  I just am not comfortable in it.  So I bought a new bed yesterday.  But until I deal with all of her clothes, I can't even get the bed set up.  We have decided to donate all of her clothing to a pair of women's shelters in Manchester... if they want them.  And then there is the dining room.  It is loaded with the remains of the condo association yard sale.  That did not prove to be a successful event for us.  I'm sure we will not be doing that next year.  I have no idea what we will be doing with all of that stuff.  Pam's Longaberger basket collection was something she took great pride in.  But baskets just don't do much for me.  I have a few for sale on Facebook, but nothing seems to be selling.  Besides, it's not about the money.  I just want this stuff to go to a home that will appreciate it the way Pam did.  

With each of these blogs I am going to try to remember some good activity that we did together.  That will make me think about the good times we've had and in some small way keep her front and center.    RIP.  I love you.