It is All About What We DID Do Together...

I recently watched a TEDtalk on grief and it made me reflect.  Obviously, Pam was not the first loss in my life.  When I reflect on how I responded to other losses, I realized that my responses were not consistent.   My first significant loss was my maternal grandfather, Popsie Kavanaugh.  I was in my second year of college and my parents paid the airfare for me to fly home for Thanksgiving.  Just as I was preparing to return, I was told that my grandfather had a stroke.  Our family rushed to Rhode Island to see him, but he soon succumbed from the effects of the stroke.  I was devastated.  I remember wearing sunglasses throughout the entire wake and funeral.  At a family gathering after the burial my grandmother asked me why I was wearing sunglasses indoors and out.  I removed the sunglasses to expose my tears.  It took me a while to recover from his loss.  To this day, I consider him one of the most significant influences in my upbringing.

My next significant loss was four years later when my own mother died.... just three weeks before Pam and I were married.  Certainly I mourned my mothers loss.  On reflection, the grief was not nearly as difficult to move on from than it was from the loss of her father.  I don't understand why.  Like members of any large family, I suffered the loss of numerous others over the years that followed.  The loss of my paternal grandmother was the next significant loss for me.  As it was with Popsie Kavanaugh, I consider Nana Rozett to have been a significant influence on who I am.   I often wonder why, but I feel like I am more a reflection of those two grandparents then of my own parents.   I think of my grandparents often.  If there were any negative memories, my brain has filtered them out.  I have nothing but good memories that bring a smile to my face.  Is that a reflection that I have successfully dealt with the grief?  I don't know.

 I have read about the so called five stages of grief.  I am sorry but I just don't buy into it.  Maybe it is just me.  For me, there was no denial or anger.  They are gone.  They are not coming back.  And I was never angry about their loss.  I just don't know who I would be angry with.  We are all going to die sooner or later and it was never my job to decide who is ahead of who. 

I am the oldest of five children.  Today, there are only two of us left.  I miss my siblings.  Well, some more than others.  😊   But there was never any anger or denial.  I have a few regrets.  There were things I wish I had done to maximize our time together.  But none of that would have changed the outcome. 

I feel the same way about the loss of Pam.  I miss her dearly.  But, she is gone. She's not coming back, as much as I would want that.  There is no denial, no anger.  At the same time, it is different.   With Pam, it feels like a piece of me is missing.  Maybe that is because we were together for over fifty years.  Maybe it is because I was her caregiver for the past three years.  During the time I was her caregiver, but before she was gone, I was dealing with some grief.  I grieved over all the plans we had to tour this country together.  We both looked forward to being nomads.  That will never happen.  I could certainly do it alone or with one of our grandsons.  But  without her, it seems to have lost its appeal. 

 So rather than dwell on what can't be done, I need to focus on what has been done.  I have great memories of the time that we rented a large passenger van and drove to Virginia for vacation.  We toured Williamsburg, Jamestown, and Monticello.  We spent a day taking the girls to Six Flags.  Understanding how Thomas Jefferson lived was amazing.  The family had fun together.  I have fond memories of the family cruising to Bermuda on the Norwegian Majesty.  I remember doing the midnight walking tour of St Georges.  Walking on streets built over 300 years ago.  Just amazing.  

 I guess that part of the grieving process is to focus on the things we did do, not the things we wanted to do.  I don't know... maybe I am making progress and just don't know it.