Books, Blogs, and Hugs...

You might have noticed that my blog entries are getting further and further apart.    I think the reason for that is that my life has gotten much calmer and more relaxed.  Most people would say that that is a good thing.  While I don't disagree, I would have Pam back in an instant.  I miss her dearly.  But she is gone.  I am slowly adjusting to that fact.  I am just not able to put into words how the grieving process is going because I am not sure how it is going and because it is so erratic.

Yesterday,  I began participating in a Bereavement Support Group.  It is sponsored by the same organization that provided Pam's hospice care.  One of the facilitators tried to explain that this process can help.  That grieving may become easier, but it is never over.   You will always grieve the loss of your loved one.  One participant in the group shared that the second year after the loss was worse than the first.  The wish is that you can find comfort and support in your grieving process from the others in the group.  I am optimistic.  I had plenty of trouble trying to talk about Pam's progress with the disease.  It is still so fresh in my mind.  The thing I miss the most are the hugs.  At one point we began hugging first thing every morning and the last thing every evening.  I miss that.  I regret that we didn't do that for the first fifty years.

We recently had another Sista's Lunch.  This was the second one since Pam passed.  I felt a little odd after the first one because Pam's name barely came up during the gathering.  This one was significantly different and it was all because of the living room wall.  Originally, we had a quilt displayed behind the couch.  But after seeing a gallery arrangement of photos at my daughter's house, I decided to do the same at ours.  So I removed the quilt and mount, patched and painted the wall, and assembled a selection of photos in that same place.  As the Sista's entered, they saw the gallery and broke out in tears.  We all stood around for almost fifteen minutes looking at the photos and lamenting Pam's loss.  I don't really need any help doing that.  It happens to me often.  After much hugging, we go back to the task at hand... lunch!

 

It is now early October and I thought that I was getting better over this.  I still talk to her whenever I glance at a picture.  But right now, I am struggling even more. The reason for that struggle is the condo association Yard Sale coming up on Saturday.  It is so hard to walk into the closet and see price tags on all of the nice clothes that Pam wore.  Each piece brings back visual recollections of Pam wearing that.  I have gone around the condo and collected all of her Longeberger baskets and put price tags on them.  She was really proud of her collection.  I will save one, but I am just not into baskets.  But it is so hard to be doing this.  It almost feels like we are putting a monetary value on our 50 years together.

 

 

A number of months ago several people suggested that I convert my blog into a book because it might help other caregivers make sense of how they are feeling during the progress of the dementia.  Well, I have done that.  I do not know if I will ever have it printed, but I have compiled my entire blog of over 130 entries into a 300 page document.  I tried to use the formatting info for the 6x9 format used on many books in the US.  So I could have it printed if that made sense.  So, if there are other support groups or individuals that you know of that might be helped, please let me know.  I am going to post a copy on Google Drive that I can share. 

Quite a while ago, I wrote about a company named Storyworth.   They sell a product which facilitates you writing a book about growing up, etc that you can leave as a legacy for your kids.  My youngest gifted me a subscription and a year later my book was printed.  I have recently decided to write another Storyworth book.  This one will be about Pam and I, our 52-year relationship, our girls, etc.  The focus will be on our family.  I may occasionally print one of those stories in my blog.  But the result will be a much lower focus on the blog.  Expect fewer blog entries over time.