Pacing the Hallway, But I Can't Find You....

 It is almost midnight and I can't sleep.  I am pacing up and down the hall between the living room and the bedroom looking for you.  You are not here.  Well, actually, you are here.  In the leather box on your nightstand.  I greet you every day with a Good Morning and every evening with a Good Night.  Our picture is on my computer.  You are smiling.  I wish I could smile back.   The tissues are nearby.  I understand that some day it will be easier.  Right now, it is not.

I have been looking at buying a new bed.  I just can not sleep in ours.  I can't describe it, but I am just not comfortable there.  Going into the walk-in closet is just as difficult.  I see all of your clothes hanging there and I can picture you in my mind wearing that coat or that shirt.  You were always dressed meticulously.  You knew what went together and what didn't.   The condo is having a neighborhood yard sale in about a month.   The girls are helping with your things.    We hope to find someone that can wear these clothes the way you did.  We hope someone can be as elegant in those clothes as you always were.   

Up and down the hall.  I just don't feel tired.  We are going to be selling all of your favorite Longaberger baskets too.   I will keep one or two.  The ones that remind me of you.  I am looking forward to putting out your Santa Claus collection this year.  I hope I arrange them in a way that you like.   I think that the last count was eighteen of them.  That is good because the number can be divided by three evenly.  Our daughters will have them out every year at Christmas and they will think of you.  What do you want for Christmas this year?

 The boys miss Gmom too.  You would be very proud of all of them.  Keelan is starting a new school this year.  He's anxious but he will do well.  He is very bright.  Noah is out of high school and starting his first real job.  Jacoby is beginning another season as a starting tackle for Central.  He is good at it and has developed a lot of muscles.  Ryder is a great student.  You should see his report cards.  We can't forget Elijah.  He is the proud owner of a car.  He is holding down a job and making his payments.  😀  We must have done a decent job as parents.   And despite our example, the girls are wonderful parents too.

Up and down the hall.   I am sad that you are gone.  I miss you.  But I understand that it had to be.  We knew that the Lewy Body would take you away and it did.  I know that you are better off.  I am not, but I will learn to live with it.   When I reread this blog it seems scattered all over the place.  But that is what is happening in my head.   I can't concentrate.  I think of you every day and I always will.  Some day those memories will bring a smile to my face.  Right now, they bring tears.