The Grieving Is Not Going Well....

Writing this blog has gotten to be a real struggle for me.  While the feelings are there, the words are just not coming.   I'm sure that it is related to the grieving process.  But knowing that doesn't make it any easier.    Fulfilling Pam's wish to stay at home and not go to a nursing home was both physically and emotionally exhausting.  But that was the easy part compared to the grieving.   Pam has only been gone two months but it feels like forever.  I miss her a lot.

 Dealing with the loss is supposed to get easier as time goes by.  I am not feeling that.  I find myself in front of her picture every day wishing her a Good Morning or a Good Night.  Our bed was put away while she was using the hospital bed.  Now that it is back in place, I can not sleep in it.  I just can't get comfortable.  So I continue to sleep on the daybed in the den.  Even then, my sleep patterns are very erratic.  I often sleep for ninety minutes and then get up for half an hour, and repeat.  Many days I feel like I have attention deficit disorder because I just can't concentrate on anything.  I start something and after a few minutes, I am off doing something else.  I am just not doing well with grieving.  At times I find myself thinking about an event in the past, and now I am second-guessing what I did or what I said.  Second-guessing the past makes no sense what so ever, yet I am doing it.

I decided to do some reading about the grieving process.  Yea, that didn't go so well either.  There are literally hundreds of books on the subject.  I looked for the "Best of" lists hoping to see some convergence on particular books.  No such luck.  Every organization has their Top Ten list and they all claim that they are "therapist approved".  So I picked one and started reading.  So far, I am not impressed.  My next step was to look for a local mental health professional.   To find someone that is experienced in the grieving process that could listen and offer some guidance.   That is not going well either.  There are a lot of younger practitioners, but I really want someone older.  I continue to look.

To make it worse, there are a lot of small changes that we don't think about with a loss like this.  For example, when I fill out a form, I always checked off Married.  I am not married any more, so I guess I have to check off Single.  The return address labels that we stick on envelopes.  I just ordered new ones.... without Pam's name on them.   I still get occasional mail addressed to Pam.  I feel a little funny opening her mail.  I never did when she was here.  Most of our friends are couples.  I don't want to feel like the odd man out in those gatherings.    Little things that we don't think about now have much more significance.   This blog is even one of them.  It was always about us.  Now it is just about me.

I miss her a lot.  I don't feel depressed.  I am not feeling a lack of purpose.  I am not hiding away in the condo.   I am trying to continue my social contact with others.  We had a condo Coffee Hour last week and there is an ice cream social coming up this week.  This past Wednesday we had another Sista's Lunch and we scheduled one for September.  The funny thing is that when the Sista's Lunch was over, I realized that we had not really talked about Pam much at all.  But I miss her.  I wish I could hug her again.  I wish I could kiss her again.  But I can't!   I replaced a picture on the wall entering my den and put her picture there.  I touch the picture and say hello every time I walk into the room.  The screen saver on my computer is a picture of us.    On my phone it is a picture of her.  That might be making things worse, but I don't really think so.

I am very grateful that I just don't drink alcohol much.  Because this could easily drive a person to drink.  I am also grateful that I am not one to harm myself.  It is just not in my nature.   But I can easily see how this could be a problem for others.  I am also grateful that my primary care doc is looking out for me.  She understands the toll that being Pam's caregiver took on my physical health.  So she is on it!

I am not expert at grieving, but I just don't feel like it is going well.  And add to that, we are starting to organize many of Pam's things for a yard sale and donations.    Can we get a redo?  😊