It is All About What We DID Do Together...

I recently watched a TEDtalk on grief and it made me reflect.  Obviously, Pam was not the first loss in my life.  When I reflect on how I responded to other losses, I realized that my responses were not consistent.   My first significant loss was my maternal grandfather, Popsie Kavanaugh.  I was in my second year of college and my parents paid the airfare for me to fly home for Thanksgiving.  Just as I was preparing to return, I was told that my grandfather had a stroke.  Our family rushed to Rhode Island to see him, but he soon succumbed from the effects of the stroke.  I was devastated.  I remember wearing sunglasses throughout the entire wake and funeral.  At a family gathering after the burial my grandmother asked me why I was wearing sunglasses indoors and out.  I removed the sunglasses to expose my tears.  It took me a while to recover from his loss.  To this day, I consider him one of the most significant influences in my upbringing.

My next significant loss was four years later when my own mother died.... just three weeks before Pam and I were married.  Certainly I mourned my mothers loss.  On reflection, the grief was not nearly as difficult to move on from than it was from the loss of her father.  I don't understand why.  Like members of any large family, I suffered the loss of numerous others over the years that followed.  The loss of my paternal grandmother was the next significant loss for me.  As it was with Popsie Kavanaugh, I consider Nana Rozett to have been a significant influence on who I am.   I often wonder why, but I feel like I am more a reflection of those two grandparents then of my own parents.   I think of my grandparents often.  If there were any negative memories, my brain has filtered them out.  I have nothing but good memories that bring a smile to my face.  Is that a reflection that I have successfully dealt with the grief?  I don't know.

 I have read about the so called five stages of grief.  I am sorry but I just don't buy into it.  Maybe it is just me.  For me, there was no denial or anger.  They are gone.  They are not coming back.  And I was never angry about their loss.  I just don't know who I would be angry with.  We are all going to die sooner or later and it was never my job to decide who is ahead of who. 

I am the oldest of five children.  Today, there are only two of us left.  I miss my siblings.  Well, some more than others.  😊   But there was never any anger or denial.  I have a few regrets.  There were things I wish I had done to maximize our time together.  But none of that would have changed the outcome. 

I feel the same way about the loss of Pam.  I miss her dearly.  But, she is gone. She's not coming back, as much as I would want that.  There is no denial, no anger.  At the same time, it is different.   With Pam, it feels like a piece of me is missing.  Maybe that is because we were together for over fifty years.  Maybe it is because I was her caregiver for the past three years.  During the time I was her caregiver, but before she was gone, I was dealing with some grief.  I grieved over all the plans we had to tour this country together.  We both looked forward to being nomads.  That will never happen.  I could certainly do it alone or with one of our grandsons.  But  without her, it seems to have lost its appeal. 

 So rather than dwell on what can't be done, I need to focus on what has been done.  I have great memories of the time that we rented a large passenger van and drove to Virginia for vacation.  We toured Williamsburg, Jamestown, and Monticello.  We spent a day taking the girls to Six Flags.  Understanding how Thomas Jefferson lived was amazing.  The family had fun together.  I have fond memories of the family cruising to Bermuda on the Norwegian Majesty.  I remember doing the midnight walking tour of St Georges.  Walking on streets built over 300 years ago.  Just amazing.  

 I guess that part of the grieving process is to focus on the things we did do, not the things we wanted to do.  I don't know... maybe I am making progress and just don't know it. 

Life With a Broken Heart is Not Much of a Life...

 I am sitting here trying to write my blog and nothing is happening.  Now that Pam is gone, I find myself sitting around with little motivation.  When I do get focused on something, my attention span is very short.  At times, I feel like a nut rattling around in an empty box.  I miss talking to her.  I miss hugging her.  I spent the last three years taking care of her because that was what I was supposed to do.  That is what I promised to do.  I should feel good about doing that.  But I don't.  I could not save her from this horrendous disease.  In all of our talking and planning, I never once even thought about her going first.  What am I going to do now?  We were together over 50 years.  Through good times and bad.  We stayed together and worked our way through it.  Now I need to work my way through it without her.

I continue to attend the caregiver group that I joined a couple of years ago.  But I am no longer a caregiver.   Well, maybe I'm the caregiver of me.  Lord knows I probably need one.  Since Pam's departure I have joined a bereavement group.   I don't really know what to expect.  But it is better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.   My primary care doc made a referral to the mental heath department.  After an assessment, they recommended that I visit a councilor.    So I have made an appointment with one for this week.  The way I look at it, I have never experienced this kind of grief before so I plan to try to get some value out of whatever things are offered to me. 

In last weeks bereavement group, some talked about the anger they have over the loss of their spouse.  I feel no anger.  Getting a Lewy Body diagnosis is a death sentence, clear and simple.  Maybe I have had a couple of years to get over the anger.  But I just don't feel any.  Besides, who am I supposed to be angry with? 

And I don't feel lonely per se.  I definitely miss Pam.  But I am not hiding out in the condo.  Our oldest daughter is over pretty much every weekend.  I spent 90 minutes on the phone with daughter #2  the other night.  I have had lunch  with friends twice this past week.  I even orchestrated a surprise 50th birthday party for our oldest daughter.  So while there are days where I jut sit around the condo with little motivation, I have others where I am out and about.  Hobbies, yea I don't really have any.  That went away with my Challenger Hemi.  I would do a little woodworking if I can ever get the garage cleaned out. 

Pam and I had planned to tour the country in our RV for two years.  With her gone, I have little interest in doing that.  For a while I was looking at light weight trailers with the thought of traveling with a grandson.  That should be a fantastic opportunity all the way around.  But without Pam, I just don't have the interest any more.   If I manage to sell the RV maybe I will buy another Challenger and go back to doing car shows all summer.  I am not sure that my kids think that is a wise idea, but oh well.

Right now the entire condo is in chaos.  We have managed to get most of Pam's clothing and shoes out of the walk-in closet.  But that just means that they are piled four feet deep on the bed.  That is the bed that I just can't get myself to sleep in any more.  I just am not comfortable in it.  So I bought a new bed yesterday.  But until I deal with all of her clothes, I can't even get the bed set up.  We have decided to donate all of her clothing to a pair of women's shelters in Manchester... if they want them.  And then there is the dining room.  It is loaded with the remains of the condo association yard sale.  That did not prove to be a successful event for us.  I'm sure we will not be doing that next year.  I have no idea what we will be doing with all of that stuff.  Pam's Longaberger basket collection was something she took great pride in.  But baskets just don't do much for me.  I have a few for sale on Facebook, but nothing seems to be selling.  Besides, it's not about the money.  I just want this stuff to go to a home that will appreciate it the way Pam did.  

With each of these blogs I am going to try to remember some good activity that we did together.  That will make me think about the good times we've had and in some small way keep her front and center.    RIP.  I love you.

 

Books, Blogs, and Hugs...

You might have noticed that my blog entries are getting further and further apart.    I think the reason for that is that my life has gotten much calmer and more relaxed.  Most people would say that that is a good thing.  While I don't disagree, I would have Pam back in an instant.  I miss her dearly.  But she is gone.  I am slowly adjusting to that fact.  I am just not able to put into words how the grieving process is going because I am not sure how it is going and because it is so erratic.

Yesterday,  I began participating in a Bereavement Support Group.  It is sponsored by the same organization that provided Pam's hospice care.  One of the facilitators tried to explain that this process can help.  That grieving may become easier, but it is never over.   You will always grieve the loss of your loved one.  One participant in the group shared that the second year after the loss was worse than the first.  The wish is that you can find comfort and support in your grieving process from the others in the group.  I am optimistic.  I had plenty of trouble trying to talk about Pam's progress with the disease.  It is still so fresh in my mind.  The thing I miss the most are the hugs.  At one point we began hugging first thing every morning and the last thing every evening.  I miss that.  I regret that we didn't do that for the first fifty years.

We recently had another Sista's Lunch.  This was the second one since Pam passed.  I felt a little odd after the first one because Pam's name barely came up during the gathering.  This one was significantly different and it was all because of the living room wall.  Originally, we had a quilt displayed behind the couch.  But after seeing a gallery arrangement of photos at my daughter's house, I decided to do the same at ours.  So I removed the quilt and mount, patched and painted the wall, and assembled a selection of photos in that same place.  As the Sista's entered, they saw the gallery and broke out in tears.  We all stood around for almost fifteen minutes looking at the photos and lamenting Pam's loss.  I don't really need any help doing that.  It happens to me often.  After much hugging, we go back to the task at hand... lunch!

 

It is now early October and I thought that I was getting better over this.  I still talk to her whenever I glance at a picture.  But right now, I am struggling even more. The reason for that struggle is the condo association Yard Sale coming up on Saturday.  It is so hard to walk into the closet and see price tags on all of the nice clothes that Pam wore.  Each piece brings back visual recollections of Pam wearing that.  I have gone around the condo and collected all of her Longeberger baskets and put price tags on them.  She was really proud of her collection.  I will save one, but I am just not into baskets.  But it is so hard to be doing this.  It almost feels like we are putting a monetary value on our 50 years together.

 

 

A number of months ago several people suggested that I convert my blog into a book because it might help other caregivers make sense of how they are feeling during the progress of the dementia.  Well, I have done that.  I do not know if I will ever have it printed, but I have compiled my entire blog of over 130 entries into a 300 page document.  I tried to use the formatting info for the 6x9 format used on many books in the US.  So I could have it printed if that made sense.  So, if there are other support groups or individuals that you know of that might be helped, please let me know.  I am going to post a copy on Google Drive that I can share. 

Quite a while ago, I wrote about a company named Storyworth.   They sell a product which facilitates you writing a book about growing up, etc that you can leave as a legacy for your kids.  My youngest gifted me a subscription and a year later my book was printed.  I have recently decided to write another Storyworth book.  This one will be about Pam and I, our 52-year relationship, our girls, etc.  The focus will be on our family.  I may occasionally print one of those stories in my blog.  But the result will be a much lower focus on the blog.  Expect fewer blog entries over time.

 

Pacing the Hallway, But I Can't Find You....

 It is almost midnight and I can't sleep.  I am pacing up and down the hall between the living room and the bedroom looking for you.  You are not here.  Well, actually, you are here.  In the leather box on your nightstand.  I greet you every day with a Good Morning and every evening with a Good Night.  Our picture is on my computer.  You are smiling.  I wish I could smile back.   The tissues are nearby.  I understand that some day it will be easier.  Right now, it is not.

I have been looking at buying a new bed.  I just can not sleep in ours.  I can't describe it, but I am just not comfortable there.  Going into the walk-in closet is just as difficult.  I see all of your clothes hanging there and I can picture you in my mind wearing that coat or that shirt.  You were always dressed meticulously.  You knew what went together and what didn't.   The condo is having a neighborhood yard sale in about a month.   The girls are helping with your things.    We hope to find someone that can wear these clothes the way you did.  We hope someone can be as elegant in those clothes as you always were.   

Up and down the hall.  I just don't feel tired.  We are going to be selling all of your favorite Longaberger baskets too.   I will keep one or two.  The ones that remind me of you.  I am looking forward to putting out your Santa Claus collection this year.  I hope I arrange them in a way that you like.   I think that the last count was eighteen of them.  That is good because the number can be divided by three evenly.  Our daughters will have them out every year at Christmas and they will think of you.  What do you want for Christmas this year?

 The boys miss Gmom too.  You would be very proud of all of them.  Keelan is starting a new school this year.  He's anxious but he will do well.  He is very bright.  Noah is out of high school and starting his first real job.  Jacoby is beginning another season as a starting tackle for Central.  He is good at it and has developed a lot of muscles.  Ryder is a great student.  You should see his report cards.  We can't forget Elijah.  He is the proud owner of a car.  He is holding down a job and making his payments.  😀  We must have done a decent job as parents.   And despite our example, the girls are wonderful parents too.

Up and down the hall.   I am sad that you are gone.  I miss you.  But I understand that it had to be.  We knew that the Lewy Body would take you away and it did.  I know that you are better off.  I am not, but I will learn to live with it.   When I reread this blog it seems scattered all over the place.  But that is what is happening in my head.   I can't concentrate.  I think of you every day and I always will.  Some day those memories will bring a smile to my face.  Right now, they bring tears.

Just a Simple Smile....

 This is a special edition of my blog.    The only content will be a 48 second video.  This video was shot a little more than a month before Pam passed away.  The occasion was a Sista's Lunch.  Once a month I would host a lunch for Pam, her five sisters, and my sister.  The date was May 8th.  After eating we were listening to some music.  I began playing a Johnny Mathis tune.   The same tune that Pam and I danced to at our wedding almost 52 years prior.  The video is of us dancing.  I don't remember whether we did it spontaneously or we were urged to dance by our guests.   But I have a very hard time watching this video.   When the music stopped,  Pam looked over at the camera with a broad smile.  At that point, I knew that she remembered, despite the dementia.  I lost it and still do when I watch it.  That smile was THE reward for being her caregiver for the past three years.  It is funny how a simple smile can be worth so much more than wealth or fame.  Just a simple smile.....

 

 

The Grieving Is Not Going Well....

Writing this blog has gotten to be a real struggle for me.  While the feelings are there, the words are just not coming.   I'm sure that it is related to the grieving process.  But knowing that doesn't make it any easier.    Fulfilling Pam's wish to stay at home and not go to a nursing home was both physically and emotionally exhausting.  But that was the easy part compared to the grieving.   Pam has only been gone two months but it feels like forever.  I miss her a lot.

 Dealing with the loss is supposed to get easier as time goes by.  I am not feeling that.  I find myself in front of her picture every day wishing her a Good Morning or a Good Night.  Our bed was put away while she was using the hospital bed.  Now that it is back in place, I can not sleep in it.  I just can't get comfortable.  So I continue to sleep on the daybed in the den.  Even then, my sleep patterns are very erratic.  I often sleep for ninety minutes and then get up for half an hour, and repeat.  Many days I feel like I have attention deficit disorder because I just can't concentrate on anything.  I start something and after a few minutes, I am off doing something else.  I am just not doing well with grieving.  At times I find myself thinking about an event in the past, and now I am second-guessing what I did or what I said.  Second-guessing the past makes no sense what so ever, yet I am doing it.

I decided to do some reading about the grieving process.  Yea, that didn't go so well either.  There are literally hundreds of books on the subject.  I looked for the "Best of" lists hoping to see some convergence on particular books.  No such luck.  Every organization has their Top Ten list and they all claim that they are "therapist approved".  So I picked one and started reading.  So far, I am not impressed.  My next step was to look for a local mental health professional.   To find someone that is experienced in the grieving process that could listen and offer some guidance.   That is not going well either.  There are a lot of younger practitioners, but I really want someone older.  I continue to look.

To make it worse, there are a lot of small changes that we don't think about with a loss like this.  For example, when I fill out a form, I always checked off Married.  I am not married any more, so I guess I have to check off Single.  The return address labels that we stick on envelopes.  I just ordered new ones.... without Pam's name on them.   I still get occasional mail addressed to Pam.  I feel a little funny opening her mail.  I never did when she was here.  Most of our friends are couples.  I don't want to feel like the odd man out in those gatherings.    Little things that we don't think about now have much more significance.   This blog is even one of them.  It was always about us.  Now it is just about me.

I miss her a lot.  I don't feel depressed.  I am not feeling a lack of purpose.  I am not hiding away in the condo.   I am trying to continue my social contact with others.  We had a condo Coffee Hour last week and there is an ice cream social coming up this week.  This past Wednesday we had another Sista's Lunch and we scheduled one for September.  The funny thing is that when the Sista's Lunch was over, I realized that we had not really talked about Pam much at all.  But I miss her.  I wish I could hug her again.  I wish I could kiss her again.  But I can't!   I replaced a picture on the wall entering my den and put her picture there.  I touch the picture and say hello every time I walk into the room.  The screen saver on my computer is a picture of us.    On my phone it is a picture of her.  That might be making things worse, but I don't really think so.

I am very grateful that I just don't drink alcohol much.  Because this could easily drive a person to drink.  I am also grateful that I am not one to harm myself.  It is just not in my nature.   But I can easily see how this could be a problem for others.  I am also grateful that my primary care doc is looking out for me.  She understands the toll that being Pam's caregiver took on my physical health.  So she is on it!

I am not expert at grieving, but I just don't feel like it is going well.  And add to that, we are starting to organize many of Pam's things for a yard sale and donations.    Can we get a redo?  😊

OK, Now What Am I Going to Do?...

What am I going to do now?  That is a serious question.  My partner of over fifty years is suddenly gone.  What am I going to do now?  I was her primary caregiver for the past three years.  She was my entire focus 24x7 for three years.  Now what am I going to do?  I have no idea.  The last few years we have done almost everything together.  We both enjoyed taking our Challenger to car shows.  We did cruises with our friends at the East Coast Challenger Club.  But our beloved Red Hemi is gone.  Gone on to new owners so that we could travel the country for two years in our motor home.  Our RV was not luxury, but it was our home.  She loved going to PEI and Anne of Green Gables.  She loved visiting our friends, the Kelso's, in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.  We had a great winter as snow birds in Silver Springs.  But even the motor home is gone now (more about that later).  What am I going to do now?

 Some days I feel like I am a nut rattling around in an empty box.  She brought meaning to almost everything I did   Yea, I have projects to do around the condo.  But they are things to do with little meaning in my life.  There is no need to run for the men in white coats and lock me up.  I may want their help at some point, but I can call and make my own appointment.  No, I am not going to harm myself.  I just don't have that kind of personality.  But what am I going to do now? 

There are triggers all over this condo.  Pictures of Pam are all around.  Things that Pam cherished and collected, like Longaberger baskets are everywhere.  Even things that she made like stitch-work she did early in our marriage.  These triggers often cause tears to fall or talking to someone that is not here any more.  Some say to remove the triggers.  I don't want to remove those things.  Just  like the cookie jar in the dining room makes me think of my grandmother whenever I see it, I want to think of her.  I want to remember some of our times together.  I want the triggers here.

There are more things that I can do with our daughters and grandsons.   I know that they are concerned.  But they have their own lives to live.  And I have friends and neighbors that are concerned.  They want to help me get through this.  But it will take time.  I don't want to forget.  I want to remember.

So what am I going to do now?  I do not know.  For now I have a To Do List of things to do.  But they are just that... things to do... alone.  I know that things will get better over time.  My broken heart will heal over time.  As long as I have these thoughts, I will keep writing about them.  I still don't know what I am going to do now.  I also need to pay attention to my own health.  It played second fiddle to Pam's issues.  My primary care doc is now on my case.

I mentioned earlier that the motor home is gone.  Well not really.  I still have it.  It has been in the shop because I was getting codes for misfires on two cylinders.  They finally got around to doing some diagnosis and it looks like the engine needs to be replaced.  That is probably not a good investment for a twenty-two year old motor home.  For now, I have it listed on Facebook Marketplace to see what I could recover without repairing it.  I also have a list of accessories, like tow-bar, RV GPS, etc that I could also sell.  It is possible that  I could sell it and buy a smaller one so that I can still do my bucket list.  (see the March 13, 2021 blog entry for that by clicking on the Blog Archive box at the bottom left)

Please don't be worried about me.  I am not.  I will eventually run out of tears.  We had over fifty years together.  That is better than most.  I was sad and tearful when my grandmother passed (actually all four grandparents).  But now I smile when I see the cookie Jar.  At some time in the future, I will see something of Pam's or her picture and it will make me smile.  Right now... not so much.

We Celebrated Her Life. The Room Was Full!

 The Celebration of Life for Pam is now behind us.  A lot of work went into it.  The girls were amazing at making sure that it all came off well.  Allyson did an outstanding job with desserts and setting up the food area.  Courtney rescued us when BJ's failed to produce the four trays of croissant sandwiches ordered weeks ahead.  Kendra, and friend Monica, got all the photos sorted out and mounted.  And I was so grateful to have our nieces Tracee and Michele there to help.  And especially because they all kept a watchful eye on me to make sure that I ate, drank, and didn't overdo it.

 The attendance exceeded my expectations.  We had many friends and relatives attend to honor Pam.  But we had others that we have not seen in twenty years.  Pam was an avid candle pin bowler.   Some friends from bowling and from the couples softball league were there.  She worked for JC Penney for eighteen years.  We had people that she had hired at JCP.  It is particularly noteworthy that the first five people in the door were from my caregivers support group.   They were there to honor Pam and to support me.  They understand better than anyone, how difficult this is.  I thank my brothers for being here.

I was not looking forward to the day.  There are so many triggers that bring on the tears.  Seeing old friends would bring back other memories.  I was also worried about the girls.  Would this be the time when the reality of losing their mother would really hit?   But they have shown strength.  They have really focused on the details of this celebration of life.  Many of the pictures depict Pam's wonderful smile.  That smile will only be a memory.  Her hug will only be a memory.

Next it is on to the burial.  We chose an urn made for burial at sea.  When I went to buy it, it was no longer available.  But I found one out in Colorado and it arrived Friday.  Now I need to call the boat captain and schedule a date.  This will only be for family and her sisters.  We will let each person say their goodbyes and toss a flower.  Then the urn should start to dissolve and sink.  Then the quiet ride back to harbor.

Right now I am staring at a picture of Pam and Laura.  They are both smiling.  Laura did that to Pam.  Whenever Laura arrived , Pam lit up with a smile.  Laura had such an impact on Pam's quality of life for the past year.  I will forever be indebted.   Laura helped Pam get joy from the simplest things.   Hunting for Easter eggs filled with candy.   Making  a snowman at the dining room table in a pan of snow from outside.  Putting on Pam's makeup and combing her hair.  While I was grieving over what the dementia was doing to Pam's quality of life, Laura was evoking joy and happiness from Pam.  Just how are we measuring her quality of life?   Even during the final decline, Laura was there for Pam.  Yea, she got paid to do this.  But it takes an enormous heart to bring joy to declining patients.    She was able to stop by the celebration for a short time.  She got hugs and accolades from me, from the three girls, and from Pam's sisters.  If she didn't before, she clearly knows how much all of us are appreciative of her enormous contribution.

I should also give praise to Home, Health & Hospice of Merrimack.   The nurses, the social worker, the home health aids, and the volunteers were all very professional and very caring.  They did all they could to see that Pam was well taken care of.  That she was comfortable.  And that she was not in any pain.  Thank you.

What is next?  I don't know.  I have a list of projects around the condo.  I am working at turning this blog into a book.  A book that I can leave behind  for my family.  And maybe a book that other dementia caregivers could get some value from on how to deal with the strong emotions that come from being a caregiver.  For now, I am going to continue this blog.  I still need to recover from the loss of part of me.  Right now I feel like I am rattling around in an empty box.  

Lastly, I wanted to share the slide show that I put together to celebrate Pam's life.  We had it playing during the celebration.  But for those that could not make it, I offer it as a way to remember Pam.  If you knew her, this will definitely ring some bells.  Enjoy...

https://youtu.be/ysDQGb6PS4E 

 

 

The Sun Continues to Rise and Fall...

I got a hug yesterday.  I needed that.  The hug was not from Pam.  She's gone.  I won't be getting any hugs from her any more.  This hug was from one of my brothers in the support group.  We had lunch.  I got to talk about Pam.  I was emotional.  When it was over, a handshake spontaneously turned into a hug.   I needed that.  He understands.

Only once before have I struggled with writing this blog.  The words just don't seem to come out right.  I have started this blog entry several times.  Each time, I come back a day or two later and just erase it.  I am dripping with emotion, why can' t I write about it?  Maybe it is because I am confused with all of the emotion.   I am still in shock that this has even happened.  Not once, in all my thinking about the future, did I ever think that she would go first.  Never.  Sadness is predominate.  Sad that we will not be experiencing all the RV travel plans we had looked forward to.  The empty feeling when your partner of over fifty years is no longer at your side.  I also feel a little lost after being her primary caregiver for three years.  She was my focus twenty-four hours a day, every day.  What do I do now?

You can see that I am still struggling with Pam's death.  In one sense, I am extremely grateful that her journey with dementia is over.  I have grieved over the last several years as I saw the toll it was taking.  She did not deserve that.  I am so happy that she is in a better place and at peace.  At the same time, I struggle with the loss of my partner.  It is like a piece of me is missing the the rest of me is struggling with how to survive.  There is no doubt that things will get better and a "normal" life will eventually return.  But for now, I have difficulties talking about her to others.  I have difficulty seeing pictures of her.

I can sense that our three daughters are concerned.  Concerned for my physical health, which has suffered some over the past three years.  But also my mental/emotional health.  Despite dealing with their own personal grief at the loss of their mother, they have each stepped up to help.  They have stepped in to take over pieces of the Celebration of Life.  Even the grandsons have been effected.  It is important for the family to stay together.  There is strength in numbers. 

Working on the details of the Celebration of Life and the burial at sea was meant to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about the loss.  Well that didn't work.  I have spent hours putting together a slide show of photos accompanied by her favorite music artists.  Now I am spending hours watching it.  Tearing up.  

So what is next for me?  In the short-term it is to get through the Celebration of Life and the burial at sea.  I have a couple of woodworking projects that I am trying to get done.   I need to help the girls as they go through all of Pam's clothing, shoes, etc.  Some of the more expensive clothing items will get sold online.  The condo Activities Committee does a yard sale in the fall.  We hope most of the items will find  new home.  Whatever is left will be donated.

There are two other things that I am struggling with as well.  One is this blog.  Just what will happen with it?  Do I end it here or do I continue?  If it continues, what will the theme become?  It started as a travel blog and became a dementia blog.  Now what?   I do not have an answer.  In the short-term, I  could write about my struggles with this loss.  I am just not sure that there is enough meat on that bone.  While the emotions might be intense right now, I would expect that they lessen quickly,  And to be honest, I do not currently feel like I am struggling.  Do I miss her?  Absolutely, a lot.  But the world continues to turn, the sun continues to rise and fall, and I continue to function.

The other item to struggle with is the Sista's Lunch.   I started it as a way for Pam to have more time with her sisters.   In that regard, it was a great success.  We even got my sister involved.   Can I continue to put in the effort now that Pam is no longer here to benefit.  Do they want it to continue?   If it were to continue, would it become another vehicle to grieve Pam's loss through?  I have no answer.

I am grateful that your suffering is over.  I continue to suffer.  Sad, empty, tearful.

 

Love Me Till ... Forever!

Being the primary caregiver for a dementia patient that is being kept at home took a lot of stamina, both physical and emotional.  But it also took a tremendous amount of patience.  And that was something that I was not blessed with.  You need to keep reminding yourself that the person, in the body that you recognize, is not the person that you knew.  Their brain cells have changed their personality.  So when they are being uncooperative, or aggressive  stow that anger, stow the lack of patience.... adapt and accommodate.  

There were two things which empowered me to be the best caregiver that I could be.  And I admit that I was not always the best.  But I always tried.  The most important empowerment was a caregiver support group.  Not just any support group.  This is a very special group.  It began as an all-male support group by the Alzheimer's Society.   By the end of the eight weeks allocated by the Society, this group had taken on a life of it's own.  It had a heartbeat.  It had intelligence.  It had  compassion.  It became a fabric, made up of many threads.  A fabric that provided shelter for those that needed one.  A fabric of strength for those that were lacking.  That group is now approaching three years of life.  A few souls were added over time and even fewer chose to leave.  There is a  wealth of knowledge, fostered by experiences, and enriched by the compassion.  Maybe this group is special because of the specific individuals within it.  But I don't think so.  Each member is a different distance down the path.  Each is willing to be compassionate when needed, yet willing to speak with raw honesty.  The moderation has  been superb.  Leading the  group along  at times, but fading into the background when the topic is self-feeding.  I succeeded because I was able to learn what I needed, even when I didn't know it.

The second thing that empowered me during my almost three years as a caregiver, was this poem.  I tried to read it daily.   I needed to be reminded that the body may be your loved one, but the behavior is not intentional.

 

Pamela Ruth (Woods) Rozett... RIP

 Many readers of this blog never knew Pam personally.  Maybe posting her obit here will give you a better idea of how lucky I was.  

 

Pamela Rozett

Pamela “Pam” (Woods) Rozett, 74, of Litchfield, NH passed away peacefully at home on June 15, 2024, after a courageous battle with Lewy Body Dementia. Born in Ayer, MA on May 27, 1950, to the late Lois (Naylor) and Delmar Woods, Jr. She grew up in Dunstable, MA, and graduated from Groton High School in 1969. Pam was working at Sanders Associates when she met the love of her life, Bruce Rozett. After less than a year, they were married. They went on to have three daughters and five grandsons and spent nearly 52 years together.

Residing in Londonderry for 25 years, she was an avid candlepin bowler. Pam managed a children’s shoe store, the Shoe Zoo, where she was renowned for remembering each child’s age and shoe size. Pam joined JC Penney when they opened the store in Salem and spent the next 18 years in various capacities. She ended her JCP career selling custom window coverings in the South Portland, ME store while they operated Shaving Hill Farm in Limington, raising Christmas trees and timber and riding their horses.

Retirement brought Pam and Bruce back to Litchfield, where they lived when they got married and brought them closer to their three daughters, Courtney (Jay) Sanchez of Manchester, Allyson Rozett of Goffstown, and Kendra (Jeffrey) McCormick of Hudson. She was adored by her five grandsons, who referred to her as Gmom.

Besides her husband, daughters and grandsons, Pam is survived by her five sisters, LoAnn Ross of Merrimack, Amy (Paul) Dixon of Colorado, Paula Woods of Wilton, Robin (Guy) Whitworth of Tyngsboro, and Kathy (Joe) DePontbriand of Litchfield and many nieces and nephews.

ARRANGEMENTS: A Celebration of Pam’s Life will be held at a future date. Assisting the family with arrangements is the Cremation Society of NH, Manchester.

IN LIEU OF FLOWERS: Please consider a donation in Pam's name to the Animal Rescue League of New Hampshire; 545 Route 101, Bedford, NH 03110

Blog Post 118. Is it the last?

I am not even sure where to begin with this blog post.  In case you have not already heard the news, our journey is over.  Pam, my wife of 52 years (minus two days) has lost her battle with Lewy Body Dementia.  Our suffering has ended and she is at peace.  Many will follow that thought with questions like "How are YOU doing?"  The answer is pretty simple and that is I am doing fine.  At times I have expressed some pretty raw emotions through this blog.  Right now I just don't have any of those.  Our daughters and grandsons have been tremendously supportive.  I have received many hugs in the past 24 hours and every one of them has made me feel better.  

Am I going to cry and grieve over this loss?  Of course I am.  I will probably break out in tears at the strangest of times, as thoughts rush to my consciousness, of some event or comment Pam had made.  But overall, much of  the grieving has been done over last three years.   So I am not feeling a flood of emotions right now.  The most important thing for me right now is to make sure that our daughters and grandsons have their needs met.  Each of us grieves differently.  Some grieve outwardly, while others need to internalize the loss.  We have a Celebration of Life to organize, not to mention the resolution of the remains.  And then there is the walk-in closet loaded with clothing and footwear to deal with.  So there are important activities that require focus to keep the mind busy.

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning after, I do have a couple of thoughts to express.   The first is that I am so grateful that Pam's suffering is over.  She might not have even understood what that suffering was, but I did.  It might not have been suffering to her because of her damaged brain, but I knew.  And it is over!  The other thing that I am grateful for is what I did not get.  Dementia patients often exhibit a range of behaviors that make being the caregiver very difficult.  Some patients get aggressive and confrontational.  While others suffer delusions about those around them.  Many dementia patients lose their ability to recognize those around them.  Pam did not exhibit any of these to a large degree.  The absence of many of those issues made the ability to keep her home possible.  I was blessed that these behaviors did not rear their ugly head.

So what is next?  Pam had expressed the desire to be cremated and we will honor that desire.  This will be followed by a burial at sea.  This is what was done with her mother (an event that I affectionately refer to as "throw your mother-in-law overboard" weekend).  The urn is made of salt and begins dissolving a short time after going into the water.  This will be immediate family, including any of Pam's five sisters that wish to join us.   We have not yet set a date.  We have the mandatory state hold of 48 hours, to complete the payment, and the paperwork to get through.  More immediate is the Celebration of Life.  This will be an "Open House"- style gathering in mid-July.  Meaning that there won't be a ceremony of any kind, just a window of opportunity for people to come and share their stories and remembrances of Pam with friends and family.  There will be food and beverages to encourage people to stay and share their thoughts.  There will be a slide show of photos of Pam's life set to some of her favorite music.  We will also have a number of enlarged pictures around the room as places to gather and reminisce.  People can come and go as they need to, but still pay homage to Pam's life and accomplishments and meet her sisters, daughters and grandsons.

The biggest question on my mind..... is this the last blog entry?  There have been almost 120 blog entries published since late 2019.  We started as a travel blog to document our (planned) two-year adventure of seeing much of this great country.  It morphed to a dementia blog after Pam's diagnosis.  Now what?  I have been encouraged by almost everyone to keep writing.  Pick your passion, they say.  I just don't know.

And I ask that you indulge me just one last time..... I am going to include some of my very favorite photos of Pam.  The last one, not on my favorites list, just screams Pam all the way.  Enjoy.

 

Your pain is over, but ours has just begun.  

We will shed many tears before we are together again.  

In the mean time, I promise not to peek.

Yet Another Back Story.... In The Snow...

 I received a lot of kind comments about the back stories I told about Pam and I.   While I am struggling through the final decline, I thought I would write about another one.  Actually, struggling is an understatement.  Being her primary caregiver for almost three years has been both emotionally and physically demanding.  But we are now at the most difficult part.  Pam is resting comfortably.  But with no food or drink, she has become unresponsive to being moved or changed.  There is little to do but remember the best of times and to grieve.  So here is another back story.

Pam and I met while working at Sanders Data Systems in Nashua, NH.  Several years later, Data Systems was sold to Harris Corporation and I began working with engineers in Dallas, Texas.  It became obvious to me that we would eventually be asked to move down there.  Pam and I discussed the possibilities and both looked forward to an opportunity to live elsewhere.  Sure enough, they announced that Engineering and Marketing would be combined in Dallas.  

When they did not encounter any enthusiasm for that idea, the grownups decided to fly everyone, with spouses, to Dallas to get the big show & tell and look at homes.  They divided the group in half and booked all of the flights... for what we affectionately called "The Cattle Drive".  Upon arrival, we were each assigned a relocation specialist that tried to understand our needs and wants and then show us all over the sprawling metropolis.  When the Cattle Drive did not produce any results, the grownups went about trying to get people to move by bribing us with an ever increasing list of financial incentives.  Even though Pam and I had already decided that we wanted to move, I received all the same financial incentives they were offering others.  By the time we were ready to leave, they were buying our house from us, moving all of our belongings, including extra vehicles, along with three months extra pay, two weeks additional vacation, round trip air fare within the first year, a per-Diem payment until our home was ready in Dallas, and rental payments if we needed to rent while waiting.

Pam and I decided to have a new house built out in the country, rather than live in Dallas proper.  We bought a yet to be built home in the town of The Colony, about 25 miles north of Dallas.  The Colony was a large land area purchased by the second largest home builder in the country in 1969.  They began developing a community.  When we took possession of our house, The Colony had a population of about 5,000.  Today The Colony is over 40,000.

 In January 1978, a moving van showed up to begin the process.  They first drove our 1971 Chevelle Malibu onto the moving van.  They assembled a floor over the top of the car and then loaded all of our belongings onto the moving van.  We had decided to drive to Dallas.  My vehicle was a Ford F100 Supercab with an 8' bed.  The truck was twenty feet long with big stainless western mirrors with a CB antenna on each.  It had a fold-down seat behind the front seats.  We bought a piece of four inch foam padding to fit the entire area and put a bed sheet on it.   The idea was that Pam and Courtney, our three year old, could sleep in the back while I was driving.  We said our good byes to family and hit the road.  We stopped in Yonkers, NY to visit my grandparents and made it to Scranton, PA that night.

The real adventure started the next morning.  It started snowing overnight.  As it turned out, the snow did not stop until we reached Little Rock, Arkansas.  When we left the motel, there was about two inches of snow on the ground.  The ride down turned out to be a lot of fun.  Courtney and Pam took sporadic naps in the back, while I spent much of the trip chatting with truck drivers on the CB radio.  My CB handle was Blue Beard.  In case you didn't figure that out, our truck was dark blue and I have had a beard since the fall of 1966.  The snow just kept falling as we drove south on Interstate 81.   There were exits that had so much snow, that you could not get off unless a tractor-trailer had used the ramp and left a path.  

Tennessee was an adventure all by itself.  We stayed overnight in Knoxville.  It took us the entire day to drive Interstate 40 over to Memphis.  That is normally a 6 hour drive.  But not so in the snow.  We had a special surprise  during that portion of the trip.  A couple of truckers called out on the CB about a rare sight.  It was about dusk and still snowing.  When I arrived on the scene, there was a wolf standing on the side of the road.  The snow finally tapered off to nothing as we approached Little Rock.  At that point we decided to continue the trek and make Dallas tonight.  I was exhausted by the time we got to Dallas.  

The next day, we checked into the house that we were renting while ours was being built.  Two days later, the moving van arrived with our goods and Pam's car.  And that was just in time, because the following day I had to fly back to New York to meet with the customer for the project that I was leading.  This left Pam and a 3 year old stuck in the house because she was in a new place with no idea where anything was.  That customer... was Avis Rent a Car.  I was the Engineering Project Lead for a new Wizard of Avis terminal for their rental sites. 

 

No Catchy Title Can Help Me Now...

              

In this edition of the Change the Journey Blog I have decided to write about Pam.  I thought that writing a few stories about her would give you a little more insight into the kind of person she was before the dementia.  

One of the very first things that I learned about Pam was that she valued her independence.   She felt that being married did not mean that you were attached at the hip.  She felt that women gave up part of their independence by pooling  financial resources in the family account, often controlled by the husband.  I could tell that this issue was very important to her.  So we did it differently.  Her paycheck went into her bank account and mine went into my account.  We agreed on how the family bills were to be paid, but our accounts were separate.  Credit cards were handled the same way, I had mine, she had hers and we each paid on them ourselves.    Large purchases were always joint decisions.  But she never lost her ability to spend her money and maintain her independence.  

Shortly after we moved to Londonderry in 1979, Pam went to work for an newly opened children's shoe store called The Shoe Zoo.  It wasn't long before the owner made Pam the manager.  Pam easily built a rapport with the kids and made the entire process much easier for the parents.  She was well known in the community for her ability to remember the child's name and shoe size the next time they came in.  When JC Penney decided to open a store in the new mall in Salem, Pam was hired to manage the shoe department.   Over her eighteen year career with them she held several positions including Training Supervisor and Customer Service Supervisor.  When we moved to Maine, she transferred to the South Portland store and sold custom window coverings for many years.

Friends was another area where she maintained some independence.  She had her friends, I had my friends, and we had our friends.  Obviously, over time  there was only one group, the later.  Many of her friends came from bowling.  Neither of us were very athletic growing up.   But she was always interested in bowling.  She liked candle-pin bowling, but I did not.  Pam joined several women's bowling leagues and had many friends among the other bowlers.   I preferred ten-pin bowling, so we also joined a Friday night couples league.  Our team was called Lefties Plus One.  As you might guess, Pam was the only right-hander on our team.  For a decade, we also played on a couples softball team   So while she maintained her independence, we did a lot of things together,

Automobiles were another place that we were were different.  As I used to put it... "I had the family car and Pam had her play toy".   For much of my career, I commuted down Interstate 93 into Massachusetts.  For safety and comfort, I chose to drive a Crown Victoria or a Grand Marquis.  But Pam always wanted a convertible.  For twenty years, she drove convertibles.  It started with a old Le Baron convertible for sale on the side of the road.   We had to install new floorboards just to get it to get through inspection.  But she had her convertible!  Shortly before Pam's 50th birthday she spotted a dark blue Chrysler Sebring convertible that was for sale at our mechanics used car lot.  A few weeks later she was very disappointed when we returned to the lot and the car was gone.  Little did she know, I had already purchased it and it was hiding in the back lot until her birthday.   It was many years later that I bought my Dodge Challenger and together, Pam and I proudly displayed it at many cars shows.

Another interesting story is how we both came to love Bermuda.  At some point, I had promised Pam that I would take her on a cruise to somewhere exotic.  As a typical guy, I never seemed to get around to it.  When several of the women on one of her bowling leagues mentioned that they were booking a cruise to Bermuda with their spouses,  Pam went ahead and booked it.  That was one advantage of her financial independence.  For our twentieth anniversary, we took the Norwegian Majesty to St. Georges, Bermuda.  The cruise and our visit to Bermuda were a great success.  Before the ship docks back in Boston, they hard sell you on booking for the following season.   Pam asked if we could.  My response was "the girls will love this".  Needless to say, we returned the next two years, with our daughters, and made the love of Bermuda a family affair.  Pam and I have traveled to Bermuda a total of nine times.  Our youngest daughter loved it so much that her wedding was held there.

Another area of common joy for us was horseback riding.  Pam had done a little riding in her youth.  I had never been on a horse.   In the early 1980's, I took Pam on a business trip out to Phoenix, Arizona.  we had several days after the business activities had ended and we decided to go horseback riding in the Arizona desert.  We went to McDonald's Ranch and had a guided ride out among the saguaro cactus and mule deer.   We returned to New Hampshire and started booking rides at Lucky Seven Stables.  Eventually, we bought two horses and boarded them at Lucky Seven.  About a year later, we bought Shaving Hill Farm in Maine.  For the first year, we just spent holidays and vacations there.  Eventually,I built stalls in the barn and moved the horses up there.  It provided great riding opportunities for us.  Eventually, the horses became ill and they are buried there.

So while Pam valued her independence, we had much in common.  Given that we only knew each other about eight months before were got married, we have done well.  Our three daughters and five grandsons make us very proud.  While the dementia may be taking her from us very slowly, it can never diminish what we have accomplished together.