Until the Twelfth of Never....

Sitting here looking at a few Facebook Memories that have popped up.   I feel blessed.  As tough as things got caring for Pam, I knew that we had a lot of good years together and three girls to be proud of.  Not to mention five grandsons.  This picture says a lot.  When she smiled, I knew that she was happy and we were doing the right things.  Maybe now I can stop worrying about that very thing.  Did I do enough?  What should I have done differently?  Did she even know that I was trying to take good care of here?  For some reason, these questions have been gnawing at me. Did SHE feel like I was taking good care of her?  I hope she did.  I don't understand why I am second guessing myself now.  I can't change it, but it is so important to me to know how she felt.  That is the hard part of providing for a dementia patient.  They are not the same person that you spent your life with because of the brain damage.  But I worried about it anyway.  She had a wonderful smile.  When you saw that smile, you knew she was happy.  

I am feeling blessed.  It could have been much worse.  We had some quality time together despite the dementia.  Our hugs every morning.  We both felt the love.  During all of her years in retail, she always had her nails and her hair done.  That meant so much to her.  Once she was housebound, I had a hairdresser come in and do her hair and her nails.  She was so happy with that despite the dementia.  Little things often brought out that smile.  I shouldn't worry any more.  She got her wish, to stay at home.  And I know that we took good care of her.  We saw her smile on the days that Laura arrived to help care for her.  You knew that she was happy to see her.  I was blessed.

Now, while I am struggling to resume a 'normal' life without her, seeing the pictures of her smile mean so much.  I am sure that she would be happy with the Christmas present that I gave her this year.  Probably her last.  One last Santa to add to her collection.   There was a lot of anticipation as we approached the first Christmas celebration without her.  I think we did get through it successfully.  There were a few times during the day that I was in tears, but much of it went unnoticed by the others.  Just as well.  I found out that a couple of our daughters were very worried about what I would do (to myself) if Pam went first.  I never knew that.  But those thoughts never crossed my mind.   At least not then.  I have advised them that if I were ever diagnosed with dementia, that I would not put them through what I went through.  While I was not specific, I was adamant.

So life goes on.  I am trying to figure out what I want to do to keep myself occupied.  There are no social or political issues that I care that much about any more.  I served my three terms as an elected Selectman.  I have done my civic duty.  I'm done with that stuff.  I have thought about buying another Challenger and going back to doing car shows.   But I don't think the girls are too keen on that idea.  And my neighbors might not appreciate it either.  Sitting around, unmotivated, and watching YouTube doesn't seem to be working either.  Maybe I should just focus on my health, like lose some weight and resume walking?  But there is little fun in that.  Or I can just procrastinate some more and hope that something pops up.

One last look at Pam's Santa collection before it gets packed up until next year... when she won't be here... 💔  Oh, and if you are wondering about the title of this edition, it is from the lyrics to a Johnny Mathis song of the same name.  We danced to it at our wedding.  Look it up.