Is it Ho, Ho, Ho or Bah Humbug..... Depends on the Day

Thanksgiving dinner at the condo went better than I expected.  Everyone was here, which made me very happy.  Most of the boys were having a great time playing a new game that I bought called Magnetic Chess.  It involves magnetic stones placed into a circle formed by a string.  It was great seeing them playing together like that.  I did set a place for Pam at the table .  I had a few spells of tears, but overall got through it well.  I had already purchased a Christmas present for Pam and I got that wrapped after the table was cleared.  One final Santa for her collection.

I am still having a difficult time being here without her.   I miss her a lot.  I still feel like a piece of me is missing.   I don't feel like I am lonely or anything.   I just miss talking to her, and hugs, and cooking her dinner.  I just don't like living alone.  Many days I am very unmotivated.  I update my to-do list every day, but I just don't feel motivated to get things done.    And odd things come to mind every once in a while, like my beard.  I began my beard before Pam and I met.  So, she never saw me without it.  I always told her that the day after I die, she is welcome to shave it off and see what I really looked like.  I just never thought that she would go first.   And  that causes me to think about what her world would have been like if I did go first.  How would she be feeling?  How well would she cope?     We never think of these things while we are alive and we should.

The Bereavement Group that I had joined has run it's eight-week course.  That program is run three times a year by the hospice folks in Merrimack.  Some find it helpful to repeat the program, but I don't think I will.  I thought that there were some parts of the program that were helpful to me.  One involved writing a letter to your deceased spouse and then reading it to the group.  That part was a little difficult, but it has only been six months.  The last week involved you describing your spouse to the group.  I figure that was an exercise in bringing out the good memories.  Overall, I thought that it was helpful. 

Speaking of good memories, some of the family were here this past weekend to do the Christmas decorating.    That was a good thing.  I probably would not have done it by myself.  Christmas was Pam's time of year.  She went out of her way to decorate the entire house for the holiday.  And especially her Santa collection.  Courtney and Ally did a fantastic job getting that in place and the tree looks awesome.  

Christmas is going to be especially difficult for me.   Not only the fact that Pam is no longer with us to celebrate, but this year the family will not be all together.  That is very painful for me.   I understand that most families have their issues.  But that is not OK with me.  There are times when everyone must set their issues and hurts aside and come together as a family.  To me, this is one of them.   I will be preparing our family traditional meal of spiral ham with brown sugar and pineapple glaze, Au gratin potatoes,  green beans almondine, and butternut squash.  But this year I will be cooking it at the condo and taking it over to Kendra's house.

Recently, I have been looking at photos and videos of Pam.  One thing that strikes me is the physical change in her appearance in the final six months.  Given that dementia is the loss of brain cells, I just never thought about the physical changes.   It is so sad to see how her smile disappeared from her face.   While caring for her day-to-day, I didn't see the small changes as much as I notice them now.  I found a couple of videos showing the strange behaviors caused by the dementia.  It is hard to watch them and seeing what this insidious disease actually does to people that we love.

Enough for now.  I want to wish all of my friends and relatives a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, or a nice winter solstice depending on your preference.  And I want especially thank the followers of my blog.  It became a much bigger endeavor than I had originally planned.  A number of people have suggested turning the blog into a book to be printed.  I have heeded those suggestions and I am the process of trying to proof-read the result.  It is an enormous endeavor.  At almost 300 pages, I am not yet sure about the printing part.  But I will have a draft that should be ready to print.

Merry Christmas.