The Sun Continues to Rise and Fall...

I got a hug yesterday.  I needed that.  The hug was not from Pam.  She's gone.  I won't be getting any hugs from her any more.  This hug was from one of my brothers in the support group.  We had lunch.  I got to talk about Pam.  I was emotional.  When it was over, a handshake spontaneously turned into a hug.   I needed that.  He understands.

Only once before have I struggled with writing this blog.  The words just don't seem to come out right.  I have started this blog entry several times.  Each time, I come back a day or two later and just erase it.  I am dripping with emotion, why can' t I write about it?  Maybe it is because I am confused with all of the emotion.   I am still in shock that this has even happened.  Not once, in all my thinking about the future, did I ever think that she would go first.  Never.  Sadness is predominate.  Sad that we will not be experiencing all the RV travel plans we had looked forward to.  The empty feeling when your partner of over fifty years is no longer at your side.  I also feel a little lost after being her primary caregiver for three years.  She was my focus twenty-four hours a day, every day.  What do I do now?

You can see that I am still struggling with Pam's death.  In one sense, I am extremely grateful that her journey with dementia is over.  I have grieved over the last several years as I saw the toll it was taking.  She did not deserve that.  I am so happy that she is in a better place and at peace.  At the same time, I struggle with the loss of my partner.  It is like a piece of me is missing the the rest of me is struggling with how to survive.  There is no doubt that things will get better and a "normal" life will eventually return.  But for now, I have difficulties talking about her to others.  I have difficulty seeing pictures of her.

I can sense that our three daughters are concerned.  Concerned for my physical health, which has suffered some over the past three years.  But also my mental/emotional health.  Despite dealing with their own personal grief at the loss of their mother, they have each stepped up to help.  They have stepped in to take over pieces of the Celebration of Life.  Even the grandsons have been effected.  It is important for the family to stay together.  There is strength in numbers. 

Working on the details of the Celebration of Life and the burial at sea was meant to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about the loss.  Well that didn't work.  I have spent hours putting together a slide show of photos accompanied by her favorite music artists.  Now I am spending hours watching it.  Tearing up.  

So what is next for me?  In the short-term it is to get through the Celebration of Life and the burial at sea.  I have a couple of woodworking projects that I am trying to get done.   I need to help the girls as they go through all of Pam's clothing, shoes, etc.  Some of the more expensive clothing items will get sold online.  The condo Activities Committee does a yard sale in the fall.  We hope most of the items will find  new home.  Whatever is left will be donated.

There are two other things that I am struggling with as well.  One is this blog.  Just what will happen with it?  Do I end it here or do I continue?  If it continues, what will the theme become?  It started as a travel blog and became a dementia blog.  Now what?   I do not have an answer.  In the short-term, I  could write about my struggles with this loss.  I am just not sure that there is enough meat on that bone.  While the emotions might be intense right now, I would expect that they lessen quickly,  And to be honest, I do not currently feel like I am struggling.  Do I miss her?  Absolutely, a lot.  But the world continues to turn, the sun continues to rise and fall, and I continue to function.

The other item to struggle with is the Sista's Lunch.   I started it as a way for Pam to have more time with her sisters.   In that regard, it was a great success.  We even got my sister involved.   Can I continue to put in the effort now that Pam is no longer here to benefit.  Do they want it to continue?   If it were to continue, would it become another vehicle to grieve Pam's loss through?  I have no answer.

I am grateful that your suffering is over.  I continue to suffer.  Sad, empty, tearful.