OK, Now What Am I Going to Do?...

What am I going to do now?  That is a serious question.  My partner of over fifty years is suddenly gone.  What am I going to do now?  I was her primary caregiver for the past three years.  She was my entire focus 24x7 for three years.  Now what am I going to do?  I have no idea.  The last few years we have done almost everything together.  We both enjoyed taking our Challenger to car shows.  We did cruises with our friends at the East Coast Challenger Club.  But our beloved Red Hemi is gone.  Gone on to new owners so that we could travel the country for two years in our motor home.  Our RV was not luxury, but it was our home.  She loved going to PEI and Anne of Green Gables.  She loved visiting our friends, the Kelso's, in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.  We had a great winter as snow birds in Silver Springs.  But even the motor home is gone now (more about that later).  What am I going to do now?

 Some days I feel like I am a nut rattling around in an empty box.  She brought meaning to almost everything I did   Yea, I have projects to do around the condo.  But they are things to do with little meaning in my life.  There is no need to run for the men in white coats and lock me up.  I may want their help at some point, but I can call and make my own appointment.  No, I am not going to harm myself.  I just don't have that kind of personality.  But what am I going to do now? 

There are triggers all over this condo.  Pictures of Pam are all around.  Things that Pam cherished and collected, like Longaberger baskets are everywhere.  Even things that she made like stitch-work she did early in our marriage.  These triggers often cause tears to fall or talking to someone that is not here any more.  Some say to remove the triggers.  I don't want to remove those things.  Just  like the cookie jar in the dining room makes me think of my grandmother whenever I see it, I want to think of her.  I want to remember some of our times together.  I want the triggers here.

There are more things that I can do with our daughters and grandsons.   I know that they are concerned.  But they have their own lives to live.  And I have friends and neighbors that are concerned.  They want to help me get through this.  But it will take time.  I don't want to forget.  I want to remember.

So what am I going to do now?  I do not know.  For now I have a To Do List of things to do.  But they are just that... things to do... alone.  I know that things will get better over time.  My broken heart will heal over time.  As long as I have these thoughts, I will keep writing about them.  I still don't know what I am going to do now.  I also need to pay attention to my own health.  It played second fiddle to Pam's issues.  My primary care doc is now on my case.

I mentioned earlier that the motor home is gone.  Well not really.  I still have it.  It has been in the shop because I was getting codes for misfires on two cylinders.  They finally got around to doing some diagnosis and it looks like the engine needs to be replaced.  That is probably not a good investment for a twenty-two year old motor home.  For now, I have it listed on Facebook Marketplace to see what I could recover without repairing it.  I also have a list of accessories, like tow-bar, RV GPS, etc that I could also sell.  It is possible that  I could sell it and buy a smaller one so that I can still do my bucket list.  (see the March 13, 2021 blog entry for that by clicking on the Blog Archive box at the bottom left)

Please don't be worried about me.  I am not.  I will eventually run out of tears.  We had over fifty years together.  That is better than most.  I was sad and tearful when my grandmother passed (actually all four grandparents).  But now I smile when I see the cookie Jar.  At some time in the future, I will see something of Pam's or her picture and it will make me smile.  Right now... not so much.