I hate it when my emotional side is winning....

I hate to admit it but I am struggling with the issue of in-home care.  On one hand, I don't feel like I am being stressed by the current circumstances.  On the other, I am worried about my own health.  My emotional side is telling me that I need to do this.  Your symptoms will continue to get worse and I will need the help.   While my pragmatic side is asking...  just what is this person actually going to be doing?   My emotional side has not felt the need to spend time away from here on my own.  But my pragmatism says that we need to cultivate a trusting relationship with the providers before their thoughtful care is a necessity.  And add to that the daunting task of defining what services are needed and sorting through the numerous agencies providing services.  I will be thankful when I can chat with a friend or two that have much knowledge in this area.

I feel so very fortunate at this point because you are still able to take care of yourself.  I hear some of the stories from other caregivers about struggling with helping with dressing, bathing, and eating.  And as if those struggles weren't enough, it's made worse by the behavioral outbursts.  Yet you continue to be the same calm, authentic, and decent person you have always been, despite wondering who stole the cash from your wallet.  😀  I also feel like after fifty years of being married, we have never felt so close.  It might be because your diagnosis means that we have never needed each other more.  I actually don't care what the reason is, I just want to languish in the result.  

On Wednesday you were not having a good day.  The blank stare at the TV and a sagging jaw tells a lot.  But the savior of the day was having sixteen of our favorite people for dinner. You came alive, or as alive as possible these days.  You even let your hair down a little...

 It was special to me too, because my niece came up from Atlanta to cook together.  Who cares that we used every pot in the place, when we are serving love to our family.  Seeing our girls, and grandsons, and my sister and Michele all chattering and animated is wonderful.  It is a very special day when family can put aside the disputes and distractions and just love on each other for who they are.  It made my heart feel good to see this.  And putting my two special joys, family and cooking, together makes me feel like we live in nirvana... aptly described in Wikipedia as "a state of perfect quietude, freedom, highest happiness as well as the liberation from attachment and worldly suffering".

Coming back to reality, the next couple of weeks will be very busy.  I am not looking forward to my appointment with my cardiologist.  I really need to lose weight and have not.  I tried a keto-like diet, but the things I like to bake all taste horrible. (anyone want some keto pancake mix?  I don't!).  One week later is your neurology appointment.   So much has changed since we last saw her.   And throw in two condo social events and a couple of RV and camping shows.

And speaking of RVs, we will end this issue on a good note.  After working at it for six months, we have finally secured a seasonal site for our motor home this summer.  This blog began as a travel blog shortly after getting the RV.  It has come a long way.  We both miss the traveling, but your doctor says it is too disruptive.  So maybe sitting in camp chairs and doing little to nothing in Alton, NH will suffice.  We can get away from the real world and take naps in the sun.  I love cooking on my Blackstone.  And we may have the occasional guest.

My apologies for the meandering of this blog issue.  Rather than a state of nirvana, my mind has been more helter-skelter lately.  Maybe I need that in-home care more than I thought.