Let me start with the end. As the title says, this will be the final entry in this blog. It started as a travel blog with the intent to document our life as full-time RVers. After Pam's diagnosis and travel was no longer possible, it became a blog about a dementia patient and her husband caregiver. And finally it became a blog about a grieving husband. The grieving will go on until I rejoin her, but this blog will end here.
Despite being very busy lately, Pam's memory has been very near the surface. Her ashes are sitting on her night stand in the bedroom. I greet her every morning and say Good Night every evening. Every once in a while a song or some other trigger will produce a few tears. But I am no longer focused on her death. It is what it is. I can't change it. I am trying to redirect my focus to my own health, to my daughters and grandsons, and setting up a small woodworking shop in my garage.
I was very fortunate when growing up because all four of my grandparents were around until I reached college. While they all lived in New York, where I was born, I grew up in Connecticut. We had very frequent contact with my grandparents. When I look back at my childhood, I feel that my grandparents had a greater influence on who I am today than my parents did. Because of that I want to leave as large a footprint on my grandson's memories as I can. Pam's death left a lasting impression on the five boys. The two oldest grandsons took her death especially hard because they had spent so much quality time with her at places like our farm, the Maine Wildlife Center, and the Fryeburg Fair in Maine. The three youngest were definitely impacted by her death, but not to the same extent. I just hope that I can leave positive memories with all of them.
Reflecting back on the last five years, I have many great memories. We had many memorable experiences with our motor home. We both longed to visit Prince Edward Island and we did. We had a wonderful week camped near Booth Bay Harbor, Maine. We had a fantastic day at a living steam locomotive village with our youngest daughter and their young son. While the whales were not cooperating, the whale watch voyage was fun. Our stay at Stone Mountain, Georgia was just wonderful. We enjoyed cooking with my beautiful niece and her boyfriend (now husband) who demonstrated what a genuinely caring person he is by pushing Pam around the Atlanta Botanical Gardens in a wheelchair for hours. And we can not forget spending time in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania visiting with Terri and John. Our RV experience ended early and we did not even scratch my bucket list. As I watched it drive away after selling it, I was in tears the whole way home. The tears were a mixture of sadness, because Pam was gone, and joy, for all of the wonderful time we spent together traveling in it.
The most demanding and yet the most rewarding time was spent taking care of Pam. She was very clear that she "did not want to get left in a nursing home". And It was my duty to satisfy that wish. My duty because those were the vows that we took in 1972. We never imagined that it would come to this, but I was going to fulfill my promise, as I knew she would. It was heartbreaking to see the disease progress. At the same time there were rewards. We started hugging each other to say Good Morning and Good Night. I look back and wish we had done that every day of the first 50 years. Watching her take her last breath was one of the worst experiences of my life. I hope that she knew that her sister, Paula, and our oldest were there for her most of that night. At one point, she opened her eyes and puckered up for a kiss. I met her lips with mine, but they were covered in tears.
Taking care of Pam would not have been possible if it were not for Laura. While she was a paid caregiver, her help was priceless. You could tell that her care came from her heart. I am thankful that some of her care was memorialized in photos and videos. Like Pam doing an Easter Egg hunt in the hallway of the condo. Pam was like a child just thrilled to find the eggs. Or building a snowman at the dining room table with a pan of snow Laura got from the deck. And the photo of Pam, wearing winter gloves, sitting at the table drinking wine from the bottle, through a straw. Priceless experiences captured so that we can grieve with a smile. I will be forever grateful for Laura's care.
It has been nine months since Pam has passed. I miss her dearly. I have accepted that she is gone. Separation by death is inevitable. Sitting around and lamenting her passing is not a good way to honor her. And that is what I want to do. I want to honor her. She put up with me for fifty years. She contributed to the three wonderful daughters that we have. Her photos are scattered around the condo. There is music which triggers a tear. But we had fifty two years together. We will celebrate her on the holidays and on her birthday.
So it is time to bid adieu to my many followers. With this blog, I have exposed some very real and very raw emotions over the last few years. That kind of exposure is not normal for most men, and especially for me. But doing so helped me better understand how I felt and why. One year ago, I went about converting the blog into a printed format. I am going to complete that with this issue. I will have a few books printed for posterity. Maybe my grandsons will read it many years from now and understand how hard this was being Gmom's caregiver. Then again, maybe no one read it and I will just fade from memory. Either way, I will eventually join Pam again. I will hug her tightly. And we will again dance to Until the Twelfth of never.
Good bye and thank you for your support.